decided not to go... why ya? after all the trouble to think thru...
i guess i jus need it as a courage or excuse to get out of life which is not the right mentally...
there is so much thing now that i realli dun wish to be bother with... and the trip to me will eventually solve it... but after thinking thru... i guess i'm jus lack of courage to step out myself using my own way... i'm jus relying on things to move on...
i wanna get out of my bad habit, my socalled interest... think back in times... how many trips haf eventually turn my life into a sth that i dun wish to happen... all trips have made me lost sth... but well I did gain sth too… do I wanna go thru it again?
am i going to run away using another trip... though in comparison, is much tougher and i got to be more independent... but will it really change the way of life when i'm back here which is the purpose of me going... or things will be like a vicious cycle... and i'll go thru it once again...
came to realise that... i'm just trying to run away... trying to hide... but i'm not trying hard enough to change the way things are... maybe using the trip does speed up the process but... it might not be successful in the end... who knows…
maybe i shld accept the way things are... and i shld be brave enough to change it with my own will rather than escaping from it and thinking tat things will definitely change when i'm back...
you guys might not understand what i'm trying to say... but i'm realli irritated with myself...
i need a change... but i know I cant escape and hope change will happen on its own...
I need to face it…
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